


now that you've circled the drain, drown in it.

by smolppstitsucker



Series: i'm sorry if they told you that things would get better. [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Dong Si Cheng | WinWin-centric, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad Nakamoto Yuta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:53:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29694624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolppstitsucker/pseuds/smolppstitsucker
Summary: "Yuta eats cold pizza at 2 am just because he needs to sustain himself and he starts talking to himself on the couch and Sicheng, he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't have anything to say, all he can do is watch like he's at a movie theater, strapped onto his seat as the worst part of the movie unfolds. He is still hoping for the happy ending. He is. He really is."(Or, Dong Sicheng and the pains of wanting love.)
Relationships: Dong Si Cheng | WinWin/Nakamoto Yuta, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Nakamoto Yuta
Series: i'm sorry if they told you that things would get better. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2159403
Comments: 9
Kudos: 31





	now that you've circled the drain, drown in it.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is the second installment of my disaster series, and although you can read this as a standalone, I recommend you read the first half to understand what happens to Doyoung and Yuta, and how it comes here. 
> 
> I am actively procrastinating and not writing the next chapter of my other fic, but hey, there's nothing called too much angst. If you've read Circle The Drain, then the heartbreak is less than the other one, I promise. At least I hope so.
> 
> Anyway, I'm sorry I wrote this, but, on with the story.

The thing is, Sicheng has Yuta, and then he doesn't. 

It starts out simple, like most things with him. He sees Yuta at a party, in a shimmery silver shirt and pants tight enough to not to go to church in, drinking orange juice from a tetrapack. When Sicheng asks him why he doesn't have a solo cup filled with cheap booze in his hand like everyone else does, Yuta flashes him the widest grin, and says, "I'm trying to go for the annoying not like other boys stereotype here, you know, be the manic pixie dream boy or something."

And then when Sicheng is properly confused if the guy is joking or is actually being serious, the other breaks into a laugh [a really sweet one, Sicheng doesn't think he's heard a prettier one before, and maybe he's exaggerating, just a little] and says, "I'm the designated driver, so I'm staying away from the drinks tonight."

"Oh," Sicheng says, and wow, that was eloquent.

The Pretty Guy, because that's what Sicheng's very gay brain has managed to name him, laughs again, and says, "Nakamoto Yuta, journalism major."

"D-Dong Sicheng, I'm here for dancer– I mean for dancing."

"Cute," Pretty Guy–no, Yuta, says and he's about to process it when all of a sudden one of Pr―Yuta's friends is calling for him, and he grins at Sicheng and slips out of the corner they were standing in and walks away. 

Sicheng sighs into his cup and chugs his beer. You've just met him, is what the rational part his brain supplies to calm down his mush brain, and he suddenly remembers Frozen for some reason. Man, he should stop himself.

But it doesn't end there, of course. Sicheng repeatedly runs into Yuta after that Very Gay Episode that his brain went through at the party. He's everywhere. Yuta turns up at Jaehyun's birthday party, and he's at the student body meetings, and he's sitting on the campus ground and reading a really thick book that doesn't have anything to do with his coursework. Sicheng squints a little and sees that it's a copy of A Little Life. It's a sad book, he has heard. He even runs into Yuta at a public toilet, the other pissing in the stall beside his, and it's weird, and Sicheng thinks if this is what getting whiplash feels like. Dejun tells him that it's some universe fate bullshit, Sicheng scoffs loudly and believes him.

And then Yuta starts talking to him. He doesn't know how that starts, but Yuta's talking to him once and then all the time. Yuta has a lot to say, Sicheng realises, on everything. He has an opinion on capitalism ( that it should be absolutely uprooted and it's flagbearers left at the hands of serial arsonists), he has an opinion on Van Gogh (that people should stop romanticising his sadness and see the little attempts he made, the grabby hands he made towards happiness), he has an opinion on ripped jeans (they'll make you look sexy but they're inconvenient if you're giving head, Sicheng didn't blush, he swears he didn't blush), he has an opinion on Descartes (he's overrated, Sicheng, please), he has an opinion on his best friend (life keeps throwing lemons at him, and motherfucker was born allergic to lemonade), and he has an opinion on Sicheng, which he doesn't tell the latter (maybe later, Sicheng, maybe later).

Yuta is the closest thing he has seen to an enigma, Sicheng thinks. He talks about books and he talks about sports and he talks about flowers and he talks about every genre of music and he cries to Naomi Kawase films and does not ever try reading poetry but loves criticising them if he ever comes across a lone poem in a magazine or on his Pinterest wall. Yuta is one of those guys, Dejun says, the ones from the books. Don't fall in love with guys him, Win, is what he says, but he means something else, or someone else. Sicheng doesn't want to pry. He doesn't want to pick at wounds that he hasn't been told about. He knows that shit hurts the most. 

But Yuta is enchanting. He wears clothes Sicheng wouldn't dare to look at. He paints his nails. He hates guys who smoke and think it's sexy (thank god Sicheng isn't one of them). He goes to pride marches and talks about his single mom and kisses girls and hugs boys equally soft. Sicheng has never seen a guy like him. Sicheng has never seen anyone like Yuta. Yuta is beautiful, like he'd never break a heart. Sicheng has never felt so ordinary before anyone. He isn't resentful about it, he's amazed.

You'd think Yuta would talk about love. He's got an opinion on everything. You'd think he would wax poetic about love. You'd think he would at least say something about love. He doesn't, though. Yuta, Sicheng notices, has very few constants. He is always skipping from one hobby to another. Wears a skirt to class and a leather jacket to a party. Dyes his hair way too much and Sicheng wonders why he hasn't gone completely bald. "It's a wig," Yuta says, "I have actually never had hair," and laughs. He says he loves Wong Kar Wai on Monday, and throws out the Fallen Angels CD on Friday. Always changing. But one of the few constants he does have is Kim Doyoung, his best friend. Yuta doesn't talk about him much, but he is always there, in conversations, a trivial mention, but he's there. Sicheng has seen the guy around with Yuta. The only time he smiles is when Yuta's around. The other times he just looks really sick.

Sicheng realises that it goes deeper than the wonder that he feels when Yuta puts ointment on the "wounds" he gets from dancing. "They're not wounds, Yuta, they're callouses" he insists, and Yuta clicks his tongue and plants a small kiss on his foot. It's unbearably soft, and he doesn't ruin the moment by asking Yuta if he has a foot fetish. It dawns on him, then. It's the oh fuck, I love him moment. Sicheng keeps quiet, of course. He listens to Yuta lecture him about overworking. 

He feels them getting closer and closer. Whenever Yuta is not hanging out with Doyoung, he's hanging out with him. And Sicheng takes it for some reassurance. Like a promise. Like it means something. Yuta puts his head on his shoulder enough times for him to warrant that belief, is what Sicheng thinks. Dejun would disapprove, he would definitely disapprove. He has Yuta, in a way. Yuta is not a distant star and he isn't looking through a telescope. He's close and real, and maybe Sicheng has him.

But the thing is, Sicheng has Yuta and then he doesn't. He has Yuta and then suddenly Yuta tells him that Doyoung, surprisingly, has asked him out. And then the time goes down from 100 to 0. Sicheng rarely ever sees Yuta around, and when he does, he's probably kissing Doyoung in places too public and laughing into his chest. Dejun just shakes his head and sighs. Sicheng should have seen it coming, it's his fault he didn't.

But it sours a little. A lot. Sicheng has always believed in watching from a distance, so that's the most he can make out. Doyoung is trying, he can see it. He knows it. Doyoung looks at Yuta with love and wonder and fear and adoration. And Yuta is trying, too. He watches Yuta and Doyoung like a wallflower. They're happy and they're not. Doyoung barfs on Yuta at a party. Yuta is over the moon when Doyoung gives an entire set of Ishiguro books. Yuta avoids Doyoung for a week after the latter says something to him which Sicheng doesn't know. Doyoung dyes his hair thrice a month to match with Yuta, delighting the other.

But what starts souring a little doesn't sweeten itself back, and Doyoung looks at Yuta with desperation and fear and love and pleading and Yuta's eyes get tired and more tired and more tired. Sicheng knows it makes him a shit person to see it falling apart and rejoice it, but he wants Yuta. He loves Yuta. Don't get too excited, Dejun says.

But he sees it falling apart little by little and Yuta's with him when it's Doyoung's birthday and Yuta's hanging out with him all over again and patching up his feet and it's something Sicheng never thought he'd ever have. He's happy. He's never been happier.

And then one day, Yuta looks at him, and whispers, "Won't you say it?"

They're sitting on a park bench and Sicheng's looking at the kids play and Yuta's licking on his strawberry ice cream.

"Say what?"

"The thing that you've waiting to tell me."

And Yuta's an enigma. So of course he knows. Sicheng pulls him into a room nearby or something. It's too hazy. The horny emotional gay part of his brain doesn't let him focus. He presses Yuta against a wall, and kisses him. Yuta says I love you, and holy shit, holy fucking shit, Sicheng feels like he's won a boxing match against Muhammad Ali. He knows Yuta's never told Doyoung he loves him, and Yuta loves Him, Yuta loves Sicheng. Yuta, special asteroid enigmatic Yuta, loves him. Sicheng's been kind of a relationship virgin, and it's Yuta of all people, damn him if he's excited. 

And they're going around the campus holding hands. Yuta is falling asleep on his chest. Yuta randomly says I-love-you when they're walking and Sicheng kisses the tip of his nose when Yuta stops talking and has that faraway look on his face. When Sicheng asks him about Doyoung, Yuta says that he broke up with him. That he needs to finally grow up and not hold on to Yuta as his lifeline. Sicheng knows, that Yuta means he's done and it's over. He'd never go back to Doyoung again.

Yuta sleeps on his chest at times and Yuta talks his ear off at times and Yuta is his whole world, somehow, but it's alright, it's okay, Yuta loves him. Yuta loves him. Sicheng has him, finally. Sicheng doesn't tell Dejun, but he sees things with Yuta. A garden house. A white picket fence. A dance studio and a roomful of books. A record player. A dog. Maybe a kid. It's too soon, but he lets himself bask in the feeling of it. Sicheng's never really looked forward to anything of this sort before. It's beautiful. He is loved.

You see, 10 years ago, there had been a divorce and there had been this bitter, bitter, custody battle. When Sicheng had asked why his parents would even refuse to stay in the same house together, granted, they broke plates once a week and they hadn't been sleeping on the same bed together, his parents had told him that they weren't in love anymore. And then they'd tried to duel to prove that they loved Sicheng more than the other but it got to a stage where one would be happy if the other would have taken the kid and ended the neverending court visits and carried the burden. Maybe they'd fallen out of love with him too, Sicheng had later thought, a lot later, when he'd tried to piece his memories together to remember what his childhood had been like pre-divorce of his parents. His parents had spent the rest of his life treating him like an eggshell, walking around him like they'd break him and left him feeling like he was the last thing they'd really want in their vicinity.

And it should have messed with his brain in the way that he'd not really believe in love, hate the concept of it since childhood, see the weakness in foundations built out of love and it had messed with his brain, just the other way round. He wanted love. He was obsessed with the idea of love. He grew up watching every rom-com he'd find. He wanted to love and be loved. He wanted a happy ending like he'd seen in movies. It had gone down a good notch as he'd grown up, the rational part of his brain kicking in, but it'd always been there. He asks Yuta if he loves him once in a while, or maybe one too many times. Yuta smiles and says he does. Of course he does.

They'd been watching the movie Gia once, and there'd been this line "She was like a little puppy, going love me love me love me, always wanting to be loved. And I did, I did, so much." Yuta had looked at him, and said, "You're like Gia, in a way", and Sicheng had wondered if he'd always been so transparent.

And now, he's sure. Yuta loves him. He's finally loved. Finally. He finally has Yuta.

But the thing is, Sicheng has Yuta, and then he doesn't.

Lee Taeyong calls Yuta up one morning, and Sicheng sees the colour drain out of his face all at once. 

When the call disconnects, or that's what Sicheng assumes, Yuta throws his phone at the wall.

Sicheng's never seen him like this before.

So it goes like this. Yuta watches his phone break. Then he lets out a loud sob and starts weeping, and when Sicheng asks what's wrong, he says Doyoung, Kim Doyoung is dead. No, he didn't kill himself. He stayed in a hospital with no visitors plugged on to machines till his body gave out. No visitors besides Lee Taeyong, who had seen Doyoung writhe through the last week of his life. Why didn't Taeyong call him before? It's because Doyoung had forbidden him to, he didn't want to see Yuta's face anymore. And besides, hadn't Yuta wanted not to see him ever anyway? And then Yuta looks at Sicheng and cries. Sicheng tries to hold him as tight as possible but Yuta feels like water in his hands. He's slipping out, his brain supplies, and he doesn't want to lose Yuta, he doesn't want to lose Yuta ever, and Yuta buries his nose in his hoodie and cries so hard even Sicheng starts shaking.

They attend the burial. There's no real funeral because it's just them and Taeyong, and Doyoung's faith in God was lower than his faith in himself, so there's that. Yuta sits beside the coffin for an hour, his silence almost frightening, and then walks out of the graveyard alone. Sicheng doesn't trail him because he feels like he doesn't have the right to. He hates feeling like this. 

He asks Taeyong if Doyoung had been in pain in his last moments, and Taeyong says that he'd thrashed around till he'd died. Yes, he'd seen it. He was there, and there's an underlying jab, which Sicheng can sense. 

"Did he say something about me when he was–before he–"

And Taeyong smiles at him and says, "He didn't blame anybody but himself. He didn't hate you either. He hated Yuta, though, and I'm glad he did," and walks away.

Yuta spirals down slowly and slowly after that. He goes to parties and comes back drunk and he doesn't want to go to his classes at first. Dejun says it's the the basic college student style grief. Sicheng watches him, helpless, and hopes that it's just that. He tells himself that Yuta loves him, and he knows people come back when they love you. He knows that.

But Yuta transcends the college student style grief really soon, because he goes back to classes and stops going to parties and he sleeps beside Sicheng but Sicheng has never felt the distance more than this moment, when they're lying on the same bed. Yuta barely speaks and when he does, he asks Sicheng if Doyoung hated him, and Sicheng can't break his heart like that, can't break Yuta's heart like that, so he says no, Doyoung loved him, Doyoung couldn't ever hate him. It was Doyoung, for fuck's sake. He spent all his life loving Yuta, didn't he? Isn't that what Yuta used to say at times? And Yuta doesn't believe him, of course, and moves to the farthest end of the bed and curls into himself like he's protecting himself from everything in the world. Even Sicheng, who doesn't even dare to touch him, hoping he'd place his hands on an open wound and make it bleed worse.

But Sicheng knows–he tells himself–that it's going to be alright. Yuta loves him. Love brings people back home. And he watches Yuta disappear into himself.

Yuta eats cold pizza at 2 am just because he needs to sustain himself and he starts talking to himself on the couch and Sicheng, he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't have anything to say, all he can do is watch like he's at a movie theater, strapped onto his seat as the worst part of the movie unfolds. He is still hoping for the happy ending. He is. He really is.

Sicheng takes him to places. They go to Lotte World and they go to Namsan Tower and they sit beside the Han River for an hour. Yuta holds his hand loosely and kisses his cheek and his lips feel like sandpaper through the lip balm.

The only thing Yuta ever talks about is Doyoung and Sicheng wants to tell him. Tell him that Doyoung hated him in his last moments. Tell him that he'd been lying, and Doyoung never forgave him. But he doesn't because he loves Yuta. And Yuta loves him back. So all he can do is wait, and hope. Dante wrote that, he thinks. About waiting and hoping. Yuta had told him about it once.

Then Yuta disappears on him. He's nowhere. Sicheng doesn't know where he is and Jaehyun doesn't know where he is and no one knows where he is. Sicheng doesn't know what to do without him. So he cleans his dorm room. Cleans Dejun's side of the room too. Cleans Yuta's apartment. He buys three boxes of cake mix and then bakes five from scratch. Dejun is impressed and worried, but for the first time, he doesn't have anything to say. Sicheng goes to his classes, takes notes, dances till he can feel his bones hurt, and comes back home more burnt out than the day before. He takes out Yuta's Naomi Kawase DVDs and watches them and cries to one of them. He doesn't remember which one. He goes over to Yuta's apartment and sleeps in his bed. He washes Yuta's clean dishes once again. And he waits for Yuta to come back, because he knows Yuta loves him, Yuta has to love him, Yuta told him he loves him.

And then Yuta does, he does come back. And he looks a lot different. He's dyed his hair black and he looks like he hasn't starved himself and he has a scar on his cheek patched up with a spiderman bandaid. At least that's what Sicheng hopes it is. A scar. He looks healthier, Sicheng notices. His eyes are way less sunken and he smiles at Sicheng and for the first time in what seems like forever and more, it doesn't look like the baring of canines and incisors. It looks like a real smile and Sicheng is happy. Yuta is back and he's so happy. Yuta is home, finally. Yuta loves him and he's back and Sicheng wants to hold him. He doesn't though, he looks at Yuta expectantly from the couch, Yuta's couch as Yuta walks into his own apartment and isn't surprised to see him.

He sits down wordlessly beside Sicheng and kisses him on the cheek and Sicheng is happy. Yuta loves him. Yuta is okay. Yuta is finally back to who he was. 

He feels the warmth in his chest spread all over his body. Yuta lays his head on Sicheng's shoulder and everything's perfect, in this moment. Yuta loves him. Yuta has come back to him. He won't have to be alone. 

It's silent, and Yuta doesn't speak a word for what seems like an hour. And then, in a voice that sounds almost hoarse, a voice that sounds so disembodied that it doesn't sound like it's Yuta's, in a voice that's wet and dry and sounds like this is the first time in weeks that he's spoken, he says, "Being able to love must be a beautiful thing, right?" and Sicheng can feel his heart hammer, Yuta loves him, Yuta has always loved him, he hopes he loves him, Yuta loves him, doesn't he? and all of that fog dissipates all at once, as Yuta says from his shoulder, "Promise me you will tell me how it feels, someday, Sicheng."

And all that remains is shaking hands, and a lego house tumbling down into nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> *slithers away*


End file.
